I made an impulse buy of a $30 Elvis suit 3 weeks before leaving Australia in Jan 2008 to travel for a year.
It's crap....and now it's coming with me.
I don't sound like Elvis, look like Elvis, or sing like Elvis.
I am Crap Elvis.


World trip montage - Crap Elvis in 25 countries

Monday, July 21, 2008

Get an Eiffel of this...Crap Elvis in Paris

Paris: Breaking news....just got chucked out of the Louvre.

Apparently I shouldn't be doing whatever I'm doing in the photos below. More details later...

Crappacino - Crap Elvis in Italy

As in most places I've been, I was going to take the P out of Italy. But then I realised I'd be left eating izza, asta, and visiting the leaning tower of isa.

Didn't stop me though, as soon as I saw this sign it was full steam ahead.

I asked (or askinged) the bar, and for 6euros you got Bill Gates, and for 8euros you got Nelson Mandela.

Anyway, first off a quick stop in Milan where I was refused access to any fashion catwalk, on the grounds that polyester isn't in this season.
Then it was off to Turin, where I would get a chance to see an ancient piece of history right before my eyes before it decays forever. Yes, I went there for one reason only - the Sex Pistols were headlining a free music festival. Fortunately Johnny Rotten had been carbon-dated before the gig and had been declared authentic (I think they found DNA traces of spit on him from 1977 which finally made experts believe it was the real thing).
As for that old piece of cloth they have in Turin - apparently some guy from a few hundred years ago faked it for a laugh. For the record, he was also the first ever guy to ask his kids to "pull my finger". Genius.

It was also in Turin that someone stupidly left a palace door open. It looked quite nice, so I popped in.

The stunning 10km mountain walk of Cinque Terra (Italian for sore feet..probably)

Tuscany - they really hate it when you ask them where the nearest 16 screen cinema multiplex and nightclub complex is.

Rule 1: Don't touch the 500 year old bells.
Rule 2: Don't fall down the well.
And they said Elvis never did country...

In Vinci. Birthplace of the painter. Hence the surname "Da Vinci", meaning "of Vinci". Hence his full name Barry Da Vinci. Barry's work isn't that well known, but another bloke's from the same town is.
Leaning Tower of Pisa:
Every tourist is legally obliged to take a hilarious "holding up the tower" photo. Unless you're the one actually taking the photo and can see the perspective through the viewfinder, the place actually looks like a bad mime convention with people propping up imaginary walls everywhere. Anyway, photos taken so was then allowed to move onto Paris where they know how to keep a good tower straight.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Crap Elvis in Amsterdam

On an E in Amsterdam.

Well Amsterdam really didn't fail to live up to its expectations. I've realised why the city is so flat - it's because the Dutch are so laid back, they need a country that feels as much like a bed as possible.

Of course everyone knows the city's famous view on marajuana smoking - there's a few hundred "Coffee Shops" licensed to sell various varieties of the drug. And a couple of them also sell coffee.
What I didn't realise is that they'd taken a similar approach to magic mushrooms, whereby another strange naming committee has OKd the sale of shrooms from what they officially have to call "Smart Shops." Which explains why when I see cars that look about 2 inches long, and 2 inches wide, people tell me they're called Smart Cars. You can't tell me there's no connection.
Fortunately I was able to make quite a nice financial deal with a Smart Shop owner whereby he would sell a normal mushroom to a client, then 5 minutes later I would walk by dressed as Elvis, thereby convincing the client the hallucinations had just kicked in.

I was also there on a landmark first weekend of smoking being banned in bars, restaurants, clubs etc which was very interesting, and confusing. Rather than embrace the health initiative of the government, the crazy smoking frenzied Dutch (1 in 3 is a smoker) held smoking parties counting down to the second where they were no longer allowed to puff in that particular bar.
However, in an "only in Amsterdam" situation, it's only tobacco that has been banned from being smoked. Therefore if you light up a cigarette, you'll get yourself a nice fat fine, however if you light up a joint, you're safe. Yes, really. In fact Amsterdam has a team of smoking-ban enforcement officers ready to hand out fines, who, wait for it..........are smell trained to tell the difference. Now wouldn't that have been a fun day at the office, although I'm not sure much would have got done that afternoon.

Hang on....it gets better.
So smoking tobacco is banned in all public workplaces, shops, bars etc, which also includes the aforementioned Coffee Shops which now have "no tobacco smoking" signs on their doors. Are you seeing where this is going yet?! Yes that's right, if you try and smoke a joint with a bit of tobacco in it, you'll be asked to leave or given a fine. Only 100% marajuana is acceptable. Only in Amsterdam can you get legally penalized for trying to water down your drugs.

You can do anything, but lay off of my Yellow Oversized Clogs.

Crap Windmill.

Amsterdam is crawling with tourists.

Crapstonbury: Crap Elvis at Glastonbury

If you were asked if you'd be interested in living in a tent for 4 days, with your neighbours 3 cms away, no showers, loud music surrounding you 24 hours a day, toilets that should be in an exhibition of 'how people lived 200 years ago', 90% chance of rain depsite it being Summer, 10% chance of your tent being washed away in a mudbath, and a 100% chance wellies will be the only footwear you'll need.....of course you'd be an absolute idiot to say yes.

Oh yeah, and it will cost you 160 quid. Certified nutter to say yes at that point.

However call it The Glastonbury Festival and chuck on a stupidly huge lineup of bands from all over the world....yes please.

A cutting edge, world beating lineup which included Shakin Stevens, Neil Diamond, The Proclaimers and James Blunt.

Hang on, let me try that again (despite the above being true). A cutting edge, world beating lineup which included among the 100s of acts: Kings of Leon, The Verve, Franz Ferdinand, Groove Armada, Mark Ronson, and Estelle. Everyone from A to (Jay) Z

Most offensive group name was hard-fought, with in my opinion, Holy F**k being edged out by the more creative F**k Knuckle and the Bastards.

Wearing a $30 Elvis suit made me one of the most normal looking people there, with others dressed as fairies, milk bottles, superheros, including multiple piercings, brandings, tattoos...and that was just the security guards.

Obviously wanting to be as green a festival as possible, organisers put together a "green police" to clamp down on people publicly weeing in bushes and trees and chucking litter on the ground.

But rather than use the fine system as the normal world would, in the land of Glastonbury, once the Green Police spot someone having a cheeky open-air toilet session, they all gather round and blow whistles and jeer and generally draw attention to that person. Seems to work. Now if only more governments would take that approach, the world would be a much stupider place (but probably just as polluted).

Well, after huge controversy on Jay Z playing Glastonbury (some people couldn't handle the fact of a hip hop artist headlining), he tore the place apart with a storming set using a live band and a sackload of rock samples as backing for some of his classic rhymes. In fact the only other person who pulled even fewer punches was Amy Winehouse, who ended up right-hooking a fan who she thought had grabbed her beehive (and if you've ever been grabbed by the beehive, you know how nasty that is).

Amongst the crowd at The Pyramid Stage (look carefully!)

Oh look, I'm waving in this shot too.

The most normal man there.

I had reservations about this photo.

Flagtopia they call it. Clever.

Sometimes you've just got to stop and smell the painted wooden flowers.

In a panic. It's not raining today. Not prepared for that outcome.

Just before I got mistaken for Jamie Oliver.

For more Glastonbury freaks, check the photo gallery link below from the NME website. I thought I'd seen people wearing everything but the kitchen sink....and then during Amy Winehouse's set, a guy walked past with one on his head. At that point, you just have to realise that it's not ridiculous. It's just another day at Glastonbury.


Monday, July 7, 2008

Crap Elvis waltzes into Vienna, Austria

Well the Euro 2008 football finals beckoned, and the suit couldn't resist the temptation, so off we went for a few days of Austrian air (mainly filled with beer and hot dog fumes).

And the Austrians played the perfect hosts - from the bus to the bar to the metro, Viennese citizens would randomly pounce and almost beg for you to have a problem they could sort out. Map in hand - "let me help with directions". Phrasebook in hand - "let me translate for you". Empty glass in hand - "let me charge you another $50 for another offical beer of the tournament".

In fact the very first guy who offered to help with directions became even more friendly when he realised I was from Australia. His reason being "we love Australia because it sounds very similar to Austria". Now if only someone could explain that to Iran and Iraq.

So the Austrian diet seemed to mainly consist of beer and sausages. Somehow, this food stall's ad failed to win over my hunger pains though.

Austrian authorities in another bid to please tourists were kind enough to provide a place to practice your graffiti before ruining the city's walls with incorrect spelling.

"...and zis time, I vill not varm ze hands up first"
The friendly Austrian Polizei request me to put my hands behind my back. In a counter offer, I request them to put their Hans behind my back.

At Wiener Prater - the world's oldest theme park. This ride not recommended for children.
Shortly after that shot, he asked me if I'd like to go and see some puppies.

Vienna Metro escalator - Another day, another person freaked out.

Fortunately I wasn't the only one to look stupid wearing red and white. Hello Austrian fans.

Schonbrun Palace: A palace fit for a King

"Thankyou, I'll be here all week. Try the schniztel"

Wearing my amazing new hover shoe.

Schonbrun Palace Maze: Half an hour of my life I can't get back